Ass Effect
by The Eezoman
Summary: Hey. Someone had to do it. A parody of everything sexual in Mass Effect. My first attempt at crack, so please, take a look. Ash, You're move, BIATCH. RATED M FOR MAMMARY Just cause.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm going to get SO flamed for writing this, but I couldn't help it. _

_I would like to apologize to anyone who has written a story with the same name as this one. I was short on time, and used the first thing I could think of. Don't hate man. C'maaaaan._

_Yeah, I know. I'm kind of a jerk for foregoing Cryonics and working on this. I'm sorry guys, BUT IT'S ALL DIALOGUE. I need my breaks._

_Also, I'm writing this because a "girl" friend of mine makes fun of me for being overtly sexual in some instances. I figured the best way to prove this would be to make a parody of all things sexual in Mass Effect. Don't worry folks, there will be more of this. (If it doesn't suck entirely) Ash, your move, BIATCH._

* * *

><p>CASUAL FRIDAY<p>

"Commander, here are the engineering reports."

Miranda briskly walked up to Shepard, handing him the data-pad with a calculating grasp. The marine took them, but raised an eyebrow, once he got a good glimpse of what she was wearing.

"A G-string Miranda? Really?"

She pursed her lips.

"Says the man wearing a Speedo."

"This whole thing wasn't my idea, Lawson."

Miranda glared at him, taking a step forward. She poked him hard in the chest, emphasizing her point.

"This "Casual Friday" wasn't MY idea. Talk to the Illusive Man's son."

They both cast a glance to the left, watching as Charlie Sheen snorted a long drag of crack off of Grunt's thigh. The Krogan looked incredibly uncomfortable, and was blanching, which was perhaps the first time in recorded history that a Krogan was caught doing so. Miranda and Shepard turned back to each other, and her glare intensified. Her voice sounded like death once she spoke.

"I am going to walk away now. If you-"

She turned towards Shepard's left, pointing at both Kenneth and Joker, both of which were listening to the conversation.

"ANY of you look down before I escape to my quarters, I'll make you wish the Reapers came early."

With that she turned, walking quickly away.

Despite her warning, all three stared at her as she moved. Once out of hearing range, Joker and Kenneth started, much to the displeasure of their commander.

"I'd tap that biotic bubble butt."

"I agree mate. I'm amazed her name is LAWSON with that kind of behind."

"I'm pretty sure she could bounce on my legs and not break a single one!"

"Definitely. I'd enter her ass effect relay anyti—"

WHACK!

Shepard turned, smacking both of them in the face.

"COMMANDER!"

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

* * *

><p>PIRATE DEFENSE<p>

The warning light blared loud, which woke Joker from his slumber.

"SHIT. Batarians!"

He activated the intercom for Shepard's room, hoping she would respond.

**+Joker, this had better be important+**

He nearly made a comment about the importance of pirates, but decided rather to inform her.

"Commander, we've got pirates planning to board. You need to assemble to squad!"

**+Mmmmm…Booty pirates. That sounds like a good roleplay idea. Don't you think, Thane?+**

Joker face froze like a popsicle. Shepard had forgotten to turn off the comms.

**+That could work, Siha. I'll be waiting to drop the anchor over on the bed+**

"SHEPARD. We're in danger! Put your damn clothes on and defend the ship!"

She didn't hear, however, as the line went dead.

"Fuck."

Joker was panicking. He had to warn the rest of the team. Garrus would know what to do.

"GARRUS! Get your blue armored ass to deck 4! We're about to be-"

the pilot couldn't finish however, as the sound of a whip snapping was heard over the line.

**+Harder! * Snap * Oh GOD YES YOU BITCH. C'MON LAWSON!+**

Joker threw the headset down, leaning back as far as possible. He cut the connection immediately, hoping to never hear Garrus speak like that again. Jeff needed to remain calm. He hated to admit it, but he needed help.

"EDI. EDI!"

The familiar hologram popped up, voice sounding ready as ever.

"Yes Jeff?"

He turned to her.

"Thank god, I need—"

He stared at the hologram, his eyes focusing harder and harder.

"Why….Pink…Why are you pink?"

She didn't respond.

"EDI, why are you PINK."

The AI took a second before responding to the stunned pilot.

"I am currently exchanging data with Legion. I am afraid I am unable to assist you."

Joker turned back to the console, face beet red.

"I don't wanna know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know…"

Taking a brief second to rest, the realization that the pirates were getting closer dawned on him. Hoping that Jack might be able to help, he contacted her. What came next scarred him for the rest of his life.

**+You call this fucking old man? MAKE AN EFFORT+**

Never in all his years had Joker heard something like this. Nor did he want to ever again. He cut the comms chat quickly, dropping his head onto the desk.

-_OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS CREW_-

The sound of silence accompanied Joker as he waited for the upcoming battle. It seemed that he would have to fight off the pirates on his own.

"Joker? Is something wrong?"

The pilot whipped the chair around, his eyes catching on Tali.

"Tali, I…"

They're gazes met, and Joker stood from his chair. They moved closer, starting to come within reach of one another. Jeff opened his mouth, hoping to tell her what was REALLY important.

"Tali…."

She replied to him breathily.

"Yes, Jeff?'

His eyes fell as he handed her the shotgun.

"Could you go kill the pirates about to board? The rest of the team is too busy fucking like rabbits."

She rolled her eyes while pumping the shotgun.

"On it."

-_Bosht'ets can't even keep it in their pants on a military ship_-

* * *

><p>SQUAD PREFERENCES.<p>

"Why can't I have both of you?"

Ashley glared at him, flipping the bird in his face.

"Screw you Shepard! Who the fuck in their right mind would want a threesome with you and the Ms. Smurfs-a-lot?"

_**MEANWHILE…**_

"Why can't I have both of you?"

Kaidan stared at his Commander. Had she said what he thought she said? Quickly evaluating the situation, he switched to math.

Hot girl = good.

Shepard = hot girl.

Sex = good.

Hot girl + sex = awesome

Rule of logic: Mathematical proof of Modus Ponens:

Ergo Shepard + sex = super awesome

ADD THE VARIABLE: Hot asari doctor named Liara.

Shepard + Liara + Sex = Threesome = FUCKING AMAZING.

The lieutenant raised his head, nodding vigoriously.

"I support this Shepard. I am totally fine with this arraignment."

_**^ REASON WHY I NUKED ASHLEY (Not really. I just had a bro-mance with Kaidan)**_


	2. Chapter the 2nd

_This story is Waaaay to easy to write for. I've got so many ideas, it scares me a little. HOPE YOU LIKE IT. Please, someone hold a gun to my head so I'm forced to work on Cryonics. I don't like Dialogue._

* * *

><p>NEGOTIATIONS GONE STERILE<p>

The squad sat in the mess hall after a particularly difficult mission involving not just one, but DOZENS of ships hanging off of cliffs. The assignment was fraught with danger and terror.

"I swear to god Garrus, when I say go left, YOU GO LEFT. You don't go right, you don't stay still. Got it?"

"Shepard, I'm a Turian. What the hell does left even mean? I had to go by your girly screams of horror to figure out what to do."

"Damn it Vakarian, just make an L with your hands to figure out which way is left. How hard is THAT?"

Garrus held up his two hands, hoping to emphasize the fact that talons were a little different. While the two soldiers argued over this, No one seemed to notice Miranda and Tali sitting next to each other, a glum look on each others faces. Tali spoke first.

"Damn. I wish I didn't need sterility to be able to fuck."

Miranda sighed, speaking back to her.

"I wish guys didn't care that I'm sterile."

The silence surrounding them took hold, until both women raised their heads.

"Wait a minute…."

They turned to each other, eyes locked.

Garrus and Shepard were arguing about directions once more, when the sound of a mask depressurizing caught their attention. They turned, finding Miranda and Tali, arms wrapped around each other going at it like the other was made of chocolate.

"Tali what the hell! I thought what we had was special!"

She didn't respond. Instead, she whipped her middle finger out at Shepard while still kissing Miranda full on the mouth. Joker pulled out his phone, quickly snapping a picture.

"Pics say it did happen."

"Up yours, Joker!"

* * *

><p>MISCALCULATIONS<p>

"Sooo. Shepard…It's two hours until we hit the Omega 4 relay….Want to spend some time together?"

Tali's eyes gazed at him seductively, which caused her hips to stick out, causing the entire third deck of the Normandy to freeze in place. No man could resist a view like that.

"Oh Tali. I don't know a thing about engines! I'm sure you'll do fine without me."

With that, Shepard walked away, heading towards the elevator. He almost made it too, before Miranda pulled him aside. She carefully wrapped her arms around his neck while making a slight moaning sound.

"Ooo Shepard…My biotics are hurting my head a bit. Do you think I could get a massage to prepare me for the mission?"

He patted her softly on the shoulder, his voice full of sympathy.

"I know how that must feel. Zaeed! You know a thing or two about massages, right?"

The old merc nodded gruffly, far too busy stuffing his face with food. Him and Grunt were going at it to see who could eat an entire roasted Varren, then polish off a glass of Ryncol. So far the Krogan was in the lead, yet the alcohol was getting to the young brute.

"Battlemaster….I see….Elephants….What is going on, Battlemaster?"

Shepard laughed, patting Grunt on the back roughly.

"Oh don't worry. I'm sure that'll go away when you become a big boy. Now keep eating! You have to beat Zaeed."

He continued on to the elevator, close to rounding the corner until Kelly caught his arm.

"Shepard…I'm ready assist you in your quarters….:)"

Shepard stared at the floating happy face next to Kelly's head.

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

It disappeared in a blink. Shaking his head, Shepard realized that the mission was starting to get to him.

"It's ok Kelly. My fish all died anyways, so it'll be fine. Thanks though."

He walked away with a smile, while Kelly's expression displayed her utter confusion.

Shepard was mere feet from the safety of the elevator when something threw him against the cold metal wall.

"FUCK. ME."

Jack's eyes were intense on his skull, and it took him a second to regain the breath to speak to her.

"Didn't Cerberus already do that?"

….

"AAAHAHAHAHA. I'm HILARIOUS! Just kidding Jack. Bye!"

He entered the lift, and promptly pressed the button for cabin one.

Every female specialist was stunned. Shepard had shut down each and every one of them. Jack, who was far less picky than the rest of them, turned, hoping to find another suitable candidate. Joker and Kenneth were walking out of the bathroom, when they saw Jack's furious face approach them.

"I WANT YOU NOW."

Joker, realizing this would be the (sexy) death of him, pushed Kenneth in front, stepping back. The red-haired engineer gave a small cry of terror before being put into a headlock by Jack.

"No one here is man enough for me alone. I require TWO."

Again, she made her move towards Joker, who looked desperately for someone else to sacrifice. Grabbing Hadley, who was busy drinking a soda, he offered him up to the crazed woman.

"Take him! HE'S INNOCENT!"

She lunged for the crewman, her muscular arm moving rapidly towards Hadley. The private panicked, putting his hands in front of his head.

"NOT THE FACE. NOT THE FACE!"

Joker closed his eyes. Even without the visualization, it was a horrible sound. Eventually, he opened them, and the three people were gone. No one else seemed to notice. Everything was peaceful on the third deck.

Until the intercom went on. Shepard's voice sounded through the entire ship.

**+Jacob. You are to report to my private quarters to discuss weaponry. Get your tight black ass up here+**

Jacob, who was enjoying a nice glass of water froze. The glass fell to the ground, shattering. It was the only sound heard on the ship.

Everyone's mouth was hung open, staring at the ceiling. Finally, Garrus broke the silence.

"Miranda….Are you SURE everything about Shepard's personality is the same? Because I specifically remember him spending the night with Ashley on the first Normandy.

The Cerberus operative merely shut her eyes, muttering to herself.

"Goddammit Charlie Sheen."

That would be the last time she would agree to supervise the Illusive man's son while doing work. She knew the nut-job had done something.


	3. Chapter the 3rd

_So yeah, I'll be updating Cryonics soon. Sorry I've been gone for so long guys, but schools been tough. You guys are always on my mind though, so don't think I don't stop by. I usually do. Every day. Of every week. Of every month. (Actually, no. about three times a week.)_

_I don't know if this is as funny as the others, because of the large buildup. Let me know, since I was real iffy about it_

SEEING DOUBLE

Garrus locked eyes with Shepard as she slowly slid out of sleek black undergarments. Despite being a Turian, he knew a good show when he saw one, and this was among the best in the galaxy. Making her way over to the bed, she grabbed a bottle of wine. Taking the cork between her teeth, she slowly pulled it from the neck of the glass, and placed the wet end against her tongue, working the soft wood over. She could tell from his obvious ram-rod sitting that she was having a severe effect on him.

"Hmmm. I planned on having a glass of wine beforehand, but I think I'll pass. After all, I've got something else to get drunk off of."

If Turians could smile, Garrus would have been grinning. As Shepard turned the lights off entirely, she crawled on top of him, and within moments, she slid down his body until she found her target. The soldier just sat there, enjoying everything.

-_I don't see how this could end badly at all. Thank the gods for DNA locking_-

_Meanwhile…_

"Shepard…What would you say if I told you that I'd mount you right now, in this very elevator?"

Tali brushed against her captain, her motives blaringly obvious. Ever since that first night before the Omega 4 relay, she'd taken on an entirely different image when alone with her commander. Thankfully, John didn't mind at all. In fact, he almost enjoyed it more than she did.

"Well Ms. Vas Normandy, I'd have to sit you down and have a talk about the…proper…times to engage in such desires."

Beneath the mask, Tali pouted. He always played it this way, and she always responded with pretend annoyance.

"Oh? But I don't want to be sat down. Unless it's on your wonderful-"

The elevator, reaching it's destination, came to a halt, the gentle screech cutting off Tali before she could finish her sentence.

"Well, it looks like it's your lucky day. Let me just disable the DNA lock, aaaaand…."

The door opened, revealing a room shrouded in darkness. Making their way in, Tali removed her mask while effectively throwing herself at Shepard, who, unaware of the action was thrown onto the bed.

Instead of soft sheets and pillows, Shepard fell on top of what felt like another person.

That's when all hell broke loose.

A collection of screams, first from the naked Shepard, followed by Tali, then by male Shepard and Garrus. The lights flicked on, and the screaming intensified.

Garrus and Shepard stood naked across the bed, while a partially naked Tali and Shepard climbed to the opposite side.

"What the hell is this? WHO ARE YOU?"

Garrus and Tali locked eyes. There was strong disgust between them. Meanwhile, both Shepards stared, confused about the opposite sex versions of themselves. Then there was the meeting of the eyes between Shapard and Garrus.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here? This is my room. What the fuck is going on?"

"I'm just….uh…"

"Oh my god. You're having sex with me! What the hell, man? WHAT THE HELL?"

"But…you aren't…YOU HAVE LADY PARTS!"

the shouting match between the two males would have continued, if they hadn't caught what other sounds were being made.

"Ohh, Shepard. Lower."

Both Garrus and male Shepard turned, only to find their partners engaging in a sort of entertainment of their own. The sight was really quite marvelous, by any male's standards, but for Garrus and Shepard, it was an almost enlightening experience. They stood there, gawking for minutes as the two girls were busy with each other. Finally, without looking, both raised their hands for a quick fistbump.

"Dude. You're hot with another girl."

"I didn't know Tali was that….flexible."

"Should…Should we do something?"

"Well…I don't know. Is this even supposed to happen?"

"Want to try to sneak in?"

"Yeah. This is going to be the weirdest orgy ever."

"Garrus, we're Alliance marines, damn it. We don't question things like this."

They both started to move up, and quietly undressed.

"I'm a Turian. We usually do question things like this."

"you ready for this, bro?"

"Let's do it. This is going to be the greatest sexual act the galaxy has ever known."

"YEAH!"

They both jumped, mere seconds away from joining the sexiest orgy ever known to man.

-_20 minutes later_-

"Damn it! DAMN IT!"

"Are there any other pods?"

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY?"

Joker sat in the escape pod, the few survivors distraught over the loss of the ship. This was the last time he ever tried to sneak a peek of Shepard's cabin while navigating through an asteroid belt.

* * *

><p><em>I couldn't think of an ending without it being gay. Thank god that Joker's such a creep.<em>


End file.
